Staying together when the marriage is reduced to silent animosity or frequent rows does nobody any good – least of all the children who have to live through the strain of their parents’ mutual dislike . A civilized, fair and reasonable divorce, which does not need to involve any contested hearings in court, can allow the whole family to lead a happier life. Try our DivorceDeals service with Mike Gordon ,who will help you get all the finances clear and analyzed for you both together to help you make a good agreement as a foundation for your future lives.
Coleen Nolan advises a reader who realises her marriage is at an end but is concerned about the implications it has for her kids
Dear Coleen
I’m at a crossroads in my marriage and would love some advice. I want to pull the plug on it and walk away, but we have two kids, who I know will be devastated if we split up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years and married for four, and our kids are seven and five.
He’s a really good father, but a hopeless partner and I don’t want to be with him for the rest of my life.
Things were good at the start – exciting and passionate – but we had our son quite quickly after getting together, which put a strain on the relationship.
When we had our second child, things went downhill and now I can barely stand to be in the same room as him.
It’s not one thing that annoys me, it’s everything about him now, so I’m certain the relationship is beyond repair. He’s got really dodgy opinions on things and I find myself disagreeing with him on everything. He’s not romantic and never thinks about doing anything nice for me, and I’m actually relieved if he’s at work late or out with his mates. Needless to say, we haven’t had sex in some time.
I know it’s right to move on from him, but I’m so worried about my kids having divorced parents. My own mum and dad divorced when I was 10 and it was traumatic. I still remember begging them to stay together. What’s your advice?
Coleen says
I’ve been in your shoes and it’s very hard. When my first marriage ended, my biggest worry was my boys being from a “broken home” and obviously, if you’ve had this experience yourself, then it’s understandable you don’t want the same thing for your kids.
But you can’t stay together for the children. It’s not a happy or healthy environment to bring them up in and it’s far better to have two happy but separated parents, than parents who are constantly at war or just ignoring each other.
It might not feel like it now, but it is possible to still be good parents if you decide together that you’ll do everything in your power to put them first.
Some counselling sessions – if your husband would agree to them – might be a good idea.
First, though, you have to talk to him and be honest about how you feel and what you want. He might be feeling the same thing – it sounds as if you’re living quite separate lives already.
I’d be lying if I said separation and divorce is easy, it’s not. It’ll be stressful and upsetting at times, which is why it’s so important to get support from family and friends. But you can come out the other side and choose to keep your kids your priority as you move forward.
